Cynical Nation

I believe the Killian documents are authentic.

I believe that Killian's widow, who doubts their authenticity, has a pro-Bush agenda and is lying.

I believe Killian's son, who doubts their authenticity, has a pro-Bush agenda and is lying.

I believe the personnel clerk in Killian's unit, who doubts their authenticity, has a pro-Bush agenda and is lying.

I believe Dan Rather when he says the Killian documents were conclusively authenticated, even though CBS only had access to low-quality photocopies.

I believe Dan Rather's lone "handwriting" expert was telling the truth when he pronounced the typed documents legit.

I believe the multiple "printed document" experts, who dispute their authenticity, are all Bush partisans, and are all lying.

I believe that Ben Barnes's daughter, who thinks her father is lying, has a pro-Bush agenda and is lying herself.

I believe that Ben Barnes, who is a Kerry campaign vice-chair, and has raised more than $100,000 for the campaign, does not have a political agenda, and is telling the truth.

I believe Ben Barnes when he says he helped Bush enter the guard when he was lieutenant governor, even though he didn't actually become lieutenant governor until a year after Bush had already enlisted.

I believe that all 250 Swift Vets for the Truth are pro-Bush partisans, and that they are all lying. All of them.

I believe the dozen or so vets who travel with the Kerry campaign from stop to stop do not have a political agenda, and they alone are telling the truth.

I believe John Kerry when he said he spent Christmas in Cambodia.

I believe John Kerry when he said he did not spend Christmas in Cambodia.

I believe that questioning Bush's military record is justified, even patriotic, even though Bush never made it a campaign issue.

I believe that questioning Kerry's military record is vile and despicable, even though Kerry made his service the centerpiece of his campaign.

I believe I'll be glad when this election is over.

(With apologies to Michael Kelly, who left us too soon.)