Cynical Nation

Here it is in a nutshell. The American people resent being told how to think and how to vote. In particular,

We resent being told how to think by aging rock stars who make millions off a 9/11 exploitation album and then criticize the president for "politicizing" the event.

We resent being told how to think by creepy, Garrison Keillor-eyed Hungarian billionaires.

For that matter, we resent being told how to think by Garrison Keillor.

We resent being told how to think by unfunny, foul-mouthed black comediennes with fake Jewish names.

We resent being told how to think by unfunny, foul-mouthed Korean comediennes who resemble mongoloid manatees.

We resent being told how to think by overrated, self-important, blowhard, propagandizing lardass filmmakers.

We resent being told how to think by crumpet-eating readers of British newspapers.

And we especially resent being told how to think by the goddamn Dixie Chicks and Jon Bon Fucking Jovi!

We resent being lectured by sanctimonious prigs who tell us, "This is the most important election of our lifetimes!" when they really mean, "Vote against the Texas Death Monkey, or you're a mouth-breathing, toothless, goat-raping redneck!"

We resent being told "Vote or Die!" by inconsequential hip-hop jerkoffs, when what they really mean is, "Vote for John F. Kerry or you're a knuckle-dragging, Birchite Jesus Freak!"

When we voted on November 2, we pulled the lever for George W. Bush, but what we really meant was, "Fuck you!"

Now I don't mean to imply that my entire purpose in voting was to be a gadfly. On the issues, I tend to agree with Bush more often than with Kerry, but not overwhelmingly so -- call it 60-40. But in a normal year, I'd probably vote Libertarian. The last time I voted for a Republican for president was in 1988, and even then I came to regret it. This year, however, the arrogance, elitism, and hysteria of the "Anybody but Bush" crowd pushed me into the arms of the GOP. I'd say that my future vote is up for grabs for whichever party makes a greater effort to champion individual liberties, but you know what? With 47% of the country now saying that 52% of the country is stupid, just because they don't vote exactly the way they do, I could make the Republican Party my new political foster home for a long, long time.