Cynical Nation

First of all, I didn't have a cardinal in this fight. I vaguely thought it would be kind of cool if the pope were a black dude, but beyond that I didn't really care. I don't have to; it's not my religion.

But the people around me obviously care, some intently. There's a cluster of people here at work, presumably all Catholic (although one of them I know for a fact barely believes in God), who are talking about the new pope, and the mood is funereal. One girl is actually weeping.

Why are they so upset? As near as I can tell, it's because the new guy doesn't share their liberal, Northeastern sensibilities. They're upset because the conclave didn't elect someone who supports birth control, or abortion, or women priests, or gay rights, or a cross dresser, or a Muslim, or Michael Moore, or God knows what.

Reality check, people: None of those things was ever going to happen. None of them. Ever. Let's not pretend that there was any suspense surrounding the outcome here. And guess what? The next pope after this one isn't going to be Hans Kung or Bishop Spong either. If you're really that upset, maybe now would be a good opportunity to ask yourself why you're a Catholic in the first place.

Seriously. Look, people's views and opinions change over time. Mine certainly have, and I have not hesitated to adjust my political and/or religious affiliations accordingly. Why would you continue to self-identify with an organization with which you disagree so vehemently on so many fundamental issues? Yet many self-described Catholics continue to do exactly that. Why? Are they all brainwashed?

Let's imagine for a moment that through the baggage of my upbringing I considered myself to be a Democrat (ha ha!) Let's also imagine that I cried and moaned and beat my breast every time my party nominated a candidate who didn't support the flat tax, or Social Security privatization, or wasn't a member of the NRA. Let's imagine I wept when John Kerry was nominated, and went on Zoloft when Howard Dean took over the DNC. You guys would probably be patient for a while, but eventually you'd grab me by my shoulders, shake me violently, and be like, "Dude! You're not a Democrat!!"

So for all my depressed Catholic friends out there, I have two bits of advice.

First, why not at least consider a different church? You don't have to commit, just investigate. God knows there are tons of Christian churches out there, with such a breathtaking diversity of beliefs that you're almost sure to find one that's a pretty good match for you.

Second, cheer up. I'm sure things could be worse. However terrible this new guy may be, I'm sure he'll never be as bad as Stephen VII, who had the corpse of his predecessor, Pope Formosus, exhumed and placed on trial. The corpse (perhaps not surprisingly) was pronounced "guilty," and the sentence meted out involved severing three of his decaying fingers and tossing his body into the Tiber River.