Cynical Nation

So you did it again, huh? You let Valentine's Day sneak up on you without getting a damn thing for the woman in your life. Some people never learn.

But don't worry, I'm here to help. With a little creativity, you will be able to put together an excellent Valentine's gift just from crap you have lying around the house. Here's how.

First of all, get a card. This is not as difficult as you might think. Chicks are sentimental, so if you've been going out for more than a year, she's almost certainly got your cards from previous years stashed away in a drawer somewhere. Wait until she's otherwise occupied and go through her stuff to get it out. Then, you can simply present it to her as new. Trust me, you will not get busted! Worried that she'll recognize it from last year? Don't be ridiculous. I mean, do you remember the card you got last year? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Now you need a gift and you don't have one. This is not as big a problem as you think. Many women love gifts that are either intangible or even non-existent. Really.

Don't believe me? A friend of mine got a local animal shelter to rescue a dog in his girlfriend's name for Valentine's one year. He presented her with a letter from the shelter and a picture of the dog that was given a new lease on life. She practically melted.

That's just one idea, and I'm sure you could come up with many similar ones. With all the fancy computer publishing and printing tools available these days, how hard would it be to print up some nice letterhead from a local animal shelter or the National Star Registry?

Don't have the tools for that? Don't worry. A hand-printed card or gift can be very well received if executed properly. You just have to be a bit creative with the gift itself. You could, for example, hand-print a "gift certificate" good for (say) one night of controlling the remote, or one free night of sex (women like sex on Valentine's Day.) Use your imagination. She'll love it.

And of course you don't have any wrapping paper either, right? That's not a big deal either. The majority of these gifts nowadays aren't even wrapped -- they're presented in a bag with tissues. There are bags under the sink and there's tissue in the bathroom.

Voila, you're all set. Don't thank me now. You can thank me tomorrow after she's expressed her gratitude.